Confusion
I actually wrote the following post (Frustration) on Sunday…but somehow, didn’t feel like posting it up yet. I’ve been talking to my parents, talking to my hubby, talking to friends (thanks again, mvo and my two wonderfully supportive colleagues…). My long talk with my parents on Thursday yielded plenty of advice and support, wise words from people with plenty of working experience. It really felt good to share and to hear their opinions. They pointed out things that I’ve never thought of….it’s true about them eating more salt than us eating rice…=))
Hubby has been very supportive. He says he can see me ’suffering’…from not being happy at work to falling sick. I’ve been getting all sorts of weird illness lately….well, my stomach has been extremely sensitive and every now and then, I’ll get a stomach bug. Then it was the constant headache (when I think back, the doctor may have been right about the headaches being due to stress!!)….then on and off flu. Recently, my wisdom tooth started giving me problems…couldn’t really chew properly cause biting down hard just hurt my gums and teeth. Then I had a really bad mouth ulcer that took more than a week to heal. Then the edges of my lips started to crack, dry up and left a flaky red patch around my lips….so for the past 2-3 weeks, I looked like a girl who didn’t know that lipstick was supposed to stay within the boundaries of the lips!! =) And now, the corner of my eye has swelled up. And yesterday’s 5 hour meeting left me with a pounding headache on the way home, gastric because I couldn’t leave halfway to grab a bite to eat, dizziness when I reached home…and to top it all off…once I reached home, I threw up my hastily eaten peanut butter sandwich which I stuffed into my mouth the minute I got back to my desk after the meeting.
Is it time to throw in the towel?
Frustration (Sunday’s post)
I’ve been thinking alot about my job lately. For the past 1-2 months, the workload has increased tremendously, and I’m now playing a catch-up game with my timelines. As of last week, I have 28 things on my to-do list…all of which has a timeline…and most of which has to be finished by the end of next week. I’m feeling so overwhelmed all of a sudden…and I think for the first time, I’m actually stressed out with my work. And even though I managed to clear about 1/3 of the 28 items by last Friday, I know this is not the end…that next week, another 10 will probably join my list.
No boundaries: Part of my frustration also stems from the feeling that my portfolio isn’t as defined as it used to be. One of my portfolio was taken away from me, then given back to me, and will soon be taken away again. In addition to the other portfolio that I’m handling, it feels as if any ad-hoc analysis gets thrown my way, irregardless whether it falls under my job scope or not, irregardless if it’s someone else’s portfolio or not. And I’m not the only one who feels this way….don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I feel as if I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing there anymore. At the same time, I see another colleague not having to do any sort of analysis at all. Am I just being too passive, accepting everything that comes my way?
Pressure: Pressure from within, pressure from without. My parents have always taught me that whatever I do, I should always try to do my best. Which is what I apply to my work. But it feels as if it’s always not enough. Whatever analysis that I do, I never feel as if I’ve found that break-through solution…that one thing that will fix whatever problem that we are experiencing now. And it’s absolutely frustrating. And I always think…am I doing well enough? My appraisal says I am. I feel I’m not. And it’s not only the pressure from the work itself…there’s also the pressure from our big boss. Even having a normal conversation with her is exhausting…much less a full-blown meeting. Most, or almost all of us enter a work-in-progress meeting with her with pounding hearts and sweaty hands. If the meeting is on Monday, the whole weekend is ruined. If it’s on Wednesday, there goes our Mondays and Tuesdays. The tension during the meeting is so thick that you can literally cut through it with a butter knife. We are all sitting at the edge of our chairs…just counting down the seconds to an explosion where she’ll start screwing someone up down left right centre. That’s how bad it is. And now that I have a caller-id phone…it scares the hell out of me whenever I see her name on the screen…whether it’s just to search for my boss, or to ask for some info. I’m as twitchy as a bunny’s nose whenever she’s around. And do I really want to be 35 years old in the future and still be scared of her?
Colleagues: Am I the only one frustrated with my job? No. There are at least 2 more who feel the same way…though for different reasons. And when we get together to talk about it…the frustration just multiplies. And colleagues for another reasons…there are some real idiots that we have to work with. ‘Nuff said.
So what’s great about this job?
- The team….great people in our team, good boss.
- The basic job…love SAS programming, it’s challenging, it’s interesting.
- The salary…I can support myself
- The familiarity…am so used to the data, the products.
But is that enough reason to stay?
And right now, I just feel so confused. Should I go on? Should I quit? Should I take a break? I’m just feeling both mentally and physically exhausted. There are days when I wake up and I just have to force myself out of bed. At work, I’m just counting down the hours before I can leave. But even after I leave, my mind is still at the office, still thinking about what needs to be done tomorrow, solving some problem I was working on before I left.
On one hand, I want some time to myself, to read up my Feng Shui and Bazi, to take some dancing classes, some drum lessons, some language classes. I want to have kids and have time for them. I want to venture into some small business of my own.
On the other, I’m scared of giving up the consistency of a monthly salary. And take away all the frustration…I still like my job. And I still have a competitive enough nature to want to prove myself.
But do I like it enough to still want to continue on? And for how many more years? This feeling of discontentment is coming more often. And it’s sad…cause I used to really love this job. I looked forward to going to the office, never used to dread Sunday evenings. Right now, I feel as if my body is physically rebelling against going to work…I’m lethargic most of the time, I’m getting headaches, weird allergies, stomach aches. I haven’t been for yoga the past few weeks cause I’m just too tired on Sundays to get out of bed. I need afternoon naps. I fall asleep in the car on the way to work. I fall asleep on the way back. And worst of all…I just don’t seem to care about what’s going on in the office anymore. We aren’t doing so well in this particular area? I just can’t bring myself to really care. Want me to do an analysis on it? Sure…but really…is there any point? What good will come out of it? Will anything drastically change? No…I don’t think so. So I spend 2 weeks trying to find out the problem, create a pretty pretty slideshow, the bosses troop in to listen and question, action items are discussed…and then…zilch. So why bother in the first place?
Do i see myself with a future in this company…this department? If I were to look at it objectively…no I don’t. So what if my boss has identified me as a high-potential employee? Where do I go from there? I can see a ceiling at where I’m standing…there’s no way I can be promoted any higher than I am right now, not unless the people above leave, get fired, jump off the building, etc. How high can my salary increase per year? I mean…let’s face it…all of us work for the money. If there’s no money to be earned, most of us wouldn’t work at all.
And after contemplating on this for the past week…I still haven’t come to any conclusion, any solution. and I know I’ll wake up on Tuesday with that same feeling of dread in my tummy, proceed with my morning routine of washing up, bathing, changing, dragging my feet to the car and trudging into the office to begin another miserable week. And I’ll probably finish one or two things on my to-do list. And add one or two more onto the list. And feel my spirits lift at the end of the day, only to crash again when it’s time for bed and a new day.
And is that life for the next 30 years?