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Just one day after I posted my work frustrations here, I got drawn unexpectedly into a long talk with my boss…and like I described to TI the next day…it was like verbal diarrhea. Everything came spilling out. On one hand, it was kind of a relief to get everything - or almost everything - off my chest. On the other, it was kinda uncomfortable spilling it out. I don’t know why. Anyways, TI and I did have a short talk with our boss as well on the day before my own talk…merely to express how the atmosphere at our section has changed in the past year…how everyone seemed to be frustrated, tired, etc. And what resulted from that was our boss, L, going to our big boss, M…who decided that she wanted to have drinks with us on Friday evening after work…presumably to find out the cause of all this dissatisfaction.

So on Friday, we trooped off to a nearby coffeehouse and sat ourselves down, prepared for a grilling session. Instead, it turned out to be a pretty good forum as we let down our guard and began to verbalize our problems and frustrations to M. M in turn was very open and it did give us a glimpse of the person behind the machine that we’ve always thought she was. Some tears were shed, emotions were abit frayed, but we all came out unscathed and with a tiny feeling of hope in most of us that things might actually change for the better. Though at one point, I was quite fed up with another colleague’s insistence that to limit our workload to our capacity won’t help the business, that we should think of the business too…I was already staring daggers at her and at one point, both L and myself had to interrupt her to tell her that “Hello…it’s not that we don’t want to do it, it’s because we already don’t have the capacity to handle anymore! Why don’t you try stepping in our shoes to see how hard it is…?!?”

Anyways…a short post-mortem talk with TI revealed that it didn’t exactly solve HER problems. She’s still deliberating on her issue. She also noticed that I didn’t say all that I was feeling either. Which i didn’t. Probably 70% came out? The other 30% remained unsaid because it was too sensitive to mention. The reason why I probably picked up on the 30% in the first place was because I’ve reached that point where I’m unsatisfied with the job, therefore I started feeling frustrated over things that have happened before, and it keeps playing about in my head all the time. Not a good thing, I know, But I do feel that I am justified in feeling annoyed. At times, I felt that the way work was given to me and/or taken from me was unfairly executed. And that somehow, I’ve been ‘cheated’ in a way. But on hindsight, it was partly my fault for not being strong enough to stand up for myself and say…”Hey, this is not in my portfolio. It’s yours. So why should I be doing it for you when I have my own work to complete first?”. Yes, even though we are working in a team, I think it’s only fair that my own work should be completed first before I take on a job from someone else’s portfolio. And I think that it’s only fair if my own portfolio should stay with me…not half given to someone else. And the one thing that has irked me since forever was the issue on my marriage leave. Until now, I don’t know whether it was unintentional or intentional…what happened was this: As permanent employees, we are given 10 days of marriage leave for our first marriage in Citi. And this has to be utilized within 6 months from our marriage registration. I can’t remember the dates exactly, but what happened was that the letter of confirmation of my position as a permanent staff was dated before the 6 months were up. But the letter was only given to me after the last day of the expiry of that 6-month time period. So naturally, I couldn’t take that 10 days marriage leave. I know…something that happened so long ago, and something that isn’t that big a deal should’ve been forgotten by now, right? But I just felt so cheated over the whole episode. Anyways, I never brought it up with my bosses and have kept it to myself since then. Maybe it really was unintentional? It’s just that when you feel frustrated, you tend to feel that the company has wronged you in so many ways, and that’s probably what I’m feeling now. And all this was not something I could really verbalize to my bosses the other day.

Anyways, as a result of a long series of talks…I’ve made up my mind to take a break from my job for about 3 months. Ideally, I would like to start my break in August so that I have the next two months to clear up and handover my existing work (and even that seems too long! I want my break to start now, now NOW!). And after that 3 months, I would like to return to Citi to start on the new area of work that I was supposed to be already doing…a fresh start, if you may. And how it goes from there is anybody’s guess. Part of the reason why I want this time off is not only to take a rest from work, but to take some time off for myself. Furthermore, we would like to start planning for a family, so this may be the last chance for me to get some ‘ME‘ time. Whether or not I can take unpaid leave or I have to resign remains to be seen. I’ve told L that even after Friday’s session, I’m still determined to take this time off and that I’ll talk to her about it tomorrow at work. But it’s a relief to have finally made up my mind. At least I feel some sense of peace after so many weeks of doubts and contemplations and discussions.

And I hope that my other two colleagues will be able to find their own peace of mind too…whether their decision is to continue on in their present jobs or otherwise.