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Snakes on a Plane

Ugh. I’m almost too embarrassed to admit that I actually watched this movie. Almost but not quite…coz I never give up an excuse to rant.

This movie SUCKS. It SUCKS like a damn industrial powered vacuum cleaner. Why this movie didn’t go straight to video-tape land, I don’t know. Samuel L Jackson should be ashamed of himself for even appearing in this movie, much less taking a leading role!

Don’t even bother watching it. I’ll tell you what happens (besides, the juicier stuff was probably censored)…

Guy witnesses a murder. Samuel L Jackson (SLJ) saves the witness from being killed by the kingpin’s henchman. Guy agrees to testify. Flies from Hawaii to LA. Kingpin finds out, places deadly snakes on plane. Snakes escape. Snakes kill people in all sort of ways: Horny couple joining the mile-high club in the toilet…the woman gets bitten on her tits (no kidding). Guy pissing in toilet…guess where the snake decides to bite? Urmm…snakes biting tongues, eyes, necks, ears…it’s an all-out love fest. People run, scream, die. SLJ becomes a hero. Saves plane and leftover unbitten people from snakes, airplane crash, getting sucked out of the plane.

And of all the stupidest things…SLJ’s FBI colleague on-ground sets off to find a snake expert and gets him on the phone with SLJ so that they can identify what kind of snakes are on the plane. Of course, SLJ can’t describe the snakes properly, so whaddaya know? They start taking pictures of the snakes to send it to the snake expert. And and and…all this for what? To identify the correct anti-venom to administer when the plane touches down. But did anyone notice that save for a whiny kid that got bitten, everyone else that was bitten by the snake is DEAD. Oh man, how did this movie even make it into filming?

I’m sure you’re wondering why I watched it. Blame it on extreme boredom after four days of holidays. Never again, I swear.